I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
