low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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