I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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