I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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