Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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