his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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