if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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