why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I think my moral compass just broke
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
