I want you more than these girls want KFC
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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