Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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