woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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