So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
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Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
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Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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