I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
