Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize