I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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