so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
