I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
