Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
