I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Damn victory sex feels great
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
