My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
