mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
