I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
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This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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