Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
