His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
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Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
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sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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