this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
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The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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