I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the day after is always just damage control
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
