So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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