FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I supernannyed him into submission
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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