he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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