Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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