my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
