So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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