everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
