Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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