It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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