just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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