I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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