I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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