Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
