I'm so fucking centered right now
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
