who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
