either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
