dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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