she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
They took my balls.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize
