Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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