Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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