i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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