Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
