So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
