I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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