i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
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