So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
