Screwed.edu
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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