Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
