How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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