I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
