Nicole vs. Life
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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