i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
