Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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